Arguments

To be completely honest, I’ve had lots of arguments with both my children over the years. There was the time when Ryan was in high school, I became so furious with him, I literally threw his English book out the car window. Then, there was the moment I was skiing in Colorado with my ten-year-old daughter. I completely lost my patience with her because she was not traversing the mountain like I had taught her so many years prior. She had been on skis since she was two and could maneuver well. I made a split decision to leave her. Yep, I just skied away from her and said, “Figure it out!” It was not one of my finer moments.

“What causes quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?”

—JAMES 4:1

There were plenty of arguments that went down with my children. Feel free to ask them. They will tell you about multiple times Mama got crazy on them. Thank you, Jesus, for your forgiveness and grace.

How about you? What kinds of things have you argued about? Was it worth it? Did you find a way to resolve the disagreement, or did you sweep it under the rug to trip over it on another day? What would your teenager/young adult say about you and how you argue? Do you need to win? Whatever the answer, the conflict needs to be dealt with and solved for the life of the relationship. An unresolved conflict that continues to build will leave a wedge most parents would prefer to live without. If we can figure out the best way to clear up the struggle, we can set our kids up for success, both personally and professionally.

About a month ago I had a big blow up with my daughter. It wasn’t pretty. I had just spent the last five days in New York City helping her get set up in her first apartment. Everything went great, until it wasn’t. The morning arrived, and I was to depart later that day. However, my flight was canceled. My daughter had emotionally prepared for my leaving and would be spending the next two weeks alone. She also planned for some friends to come stay the night, and she had additional issues that were being worked through. At the time, I was unaware of these other matters. When I told her my flight canceled, she came undone.  I did not understand. I thought she was completely overreacting to something I had no control over. We decided to go our own ways.

"This type of exchange demands self-sacrifice. It will mean putting the need of someone else over that of our own."

I headed toward Central Park, and she went to work. Later that evening she arrived home still upset. The reason I knew she was upset is because my daughter has the gift of reconciliation. She does not stay out of relationship with anyone for very long. She exhibits such strength, a humility when it comes to restoring conflict with the people she cares for. I love this about her. It’s a gift from God. Whenever I see her exercise reconciliation, I commend her for her initiative and courage in going first. Not everyone is willing to make the first step toward restoring what is broken, but she is. One day I believe she will be a catalyst for others to help them heal the brokenness and conflict that exist in their lives.

I wanted to reconnect with my daughter that day, and there was no way I was leaving New York with a rift between us. I needed to understand where she was coming from, what she was thinking, and how she was processing her thoughts. I was also willing to listen to her heart without judgment. That was key. That was my way “in.” I knew I had to clear my own heart and mind of presumption—of any fiction I had created over the years. I wanted nothing to hinder the chance of resolving the conflict with my daughter.

I did my best to set the stage for reconciliation. I attempted to listen well, so I could first understand her thoughts and feelings, before trying to express my own. We have always taught our children about forgiveness and starting over. Matter of fact, we don’t say, “I’m sorry” often. Instead, we ask, “Will you forgive me for . . . ?” Then we name the particular offense. Sometimes, “sorry” is way too easy, and asking to be forgiven for a named transgression helps clear our conscience.

"Understanding blossomed between us, and a new level of trust had begun."

To make peace with my daughter, I walked into her room with an umbrella in my hand and asked if she would stand under it with me. She laughed and said, “yes.” We both laughed. The umbrella was a device, a gimmick. It wasn’t raining, but with both of us under the thing it leveled the playing field. It put us on equal footing, so to speak—no longer mother to child, but friend to friend. This silly exercise demonstrated, without words, that I was willing to come close to her and see, hear, and know how the rain affected her.

She opened her heart. I gained new clarity and perspective of my child that day.

I also learned something about myself. It was as much an exercise for me as it was for her. I asked her questions, and I didn’t assume the answers. I suppressed my need for dominance and control in deference to the bigger picture, which was reconciliation. It became more important, and necessary, to listen, to labor, and to understand my daughter without the old patterns. Understanding blossomed between us, and a new level of trust had begun. I got it.

This type of exchange demands self-sacrifice. It will mean putting the need of someone else over that of our own. But with wise, well-informed steps and proper attention to detail, it can lead to real understanding and a deepening of a relationship. Putting ourselves on a cross isn’t easy. But the result? The return on your investment? New life, new possibilities, and all the old forms vanish quietly away. How about you? Do you need to have a chat with your teenager/young adult and seek to understand first before being understood? Try it and let me know how it turns out.

What conversation would you like to have with your child about a recent misunderstanding?

For more info or other encouraging blogs, you can connect with Patti @ www.pattireed.net or join her weekly email list here: https://lp.constantcontactpages.com/su/90w3aHN