5 Ways To Talk To Your Teens This School Year

“Mom, why are you grilling me?”

This was what my son asked me one day when he came home from school.

I had simply asked him about his day. “How was your day?” “Who did you talk to today?” What did you learn about?” I seriously was interested, but somehow, my “asking” sounded like the “third degree” in his books.

Talking to your teen can be hard. Somewhere between their growing independence and parents’ need to prepare their kids for the future,” things between parent and teen can get lost in translation. 

But, as the saying goes, sometimes it’s not WHAT you say but HOW you say it.

If you’re looking to improve your communication with your teen this school year, here’s a few practical tips that could take your teen talks from “grilling” to “great”:

1. Avoid “Why” Questions. Use “How” or “What” Questions Instead.

No matter who you are, the question “why” can put you on the defensive. But changing the question into a “How” or “What” question can soften the blow and be more inquisitive than interrogating. For example, “Why do you leave your dirty dishes on your desk?” can cause your teen to resist, but changing the wording to, “What is it about this spot on your desk that loves to collect dirty dishes?” can open up the convo and add a bit of humour.

2. Add Humour When Appropriate.

A big sigh is sometimes the response I get when I ask my teens to do something. But I’ve noticed that when I respond with a dose of humour, my teens react much better. So, when my request of, “Can you please eat your vegetables” is met with a guttural “Ugh,” I’ve learned to respond by saying in a smiling tone, “Oh, I know, isn’t it TERRIBLE you have a mom who cares so much about you?” And although, I may receive an eyeroll, I usually receive a smile (and an empty plate) too!

3. Use Your Eyes and Ears to Talk to Your Teen.

Youth Culture Expert Jonathan McKee says that “when teenagers are quiet, it’s not because they don’t have anything to say…it’s because we’re asking them the wrong questions and we’re not noticing opportunities for conversation.” For example, if your teen is always talking about Taylor Swift, ask them what their favourite “Swiftie” song is, or what they think of her new album. Even better: ask them to play you a few of her songs! “Notice what teenagers are excited about,” says McKee, “and then you won’t have to do much talking at all. You might even wish you never got them started!”

4. Focus on What They Did Right.

If there’s one thing parents can sometimes be guilty of, it’s being a tad critical with our kids. Instead of praising them for e.g., cleaning their room, we may focus on things they missed or neglected to do. As a result, kids may develop a harsh Inner Critic, feeling they can never do anything right. So, take time to sandwich your criticism. Show appreciation for them doing a task, pointing out what they did “right” and “well.” And if you really feel the need to correct them, ask THEM how they think they could improve on the job and grow in their abilities for next time.

5. Listen. Then Listen Some More.

Parents can be chronic advice-givers. We don’t like to see our kids suffer. But oftentimes, our teens aren’t looking for advice. They’re looking for someone to listen. To hold “space.” So, sometimes the best question to ask after they’ve shared something is, “Tell me more….” And once they tell you, use this follow-up question: “How is this affecting you?” And then a great big hug might be in order.

Talking to our teens can be hard. Sometimes it can feel downright turbulent. But the truth is, our kids need us to become more “coach” and more “connector” as they speed toward adulthood. Yes, we only have a few precious years left with our kiddos before they leave the nest. But that doesn’t mean we need to parent out of fear. Instead, it’s important that we take every opportunity to speak to them in ways they can pallet, and connect with them in ways that raise a better relationship. For if you have a better relationship with them, you increase the chances that they’ll keep coming home long after they’ve left home.

Julia Van Huizen is a mother of teen boys and works as a Certified Life Coach. You can find her online at juliavanhuizen.com or on social media @juliavanhuizencoaching.