From Golf Lessons to Life Lessons: The Transformative Power of Living Without Secrets in Marriage

Working Together

This past weekend my husband offered to give me a golf lesson. To be honest, I was both hesitant and happy! The last time he tried to teach me some golf lessons it didn’t end well. He was frustrated in my lack of ability and I was flustered and emotional - which is never a good combination when one needs to focus on the task at hand.

I had to be open and honest and tell him about how - truth be told - awful the experience was last time and that I didn’t want a repeat. I had asked him how we could work together to make it a mutually beneficial experience for the both of us. We decided to keep our emotions and frustrations in check, and to take time to listen to each other and see how the day of golf lessons progressed.

Golf Lessons

“Keep your head over the ball”. I heard this phrase many times that day. My husband assumed that I knew what that meant - I had no idea what that meant. After some time, I had to show my vulnerability and ask for his help. Plus, I find that it’s harder to learn new things as I get older. It feels like going back to grade school and starting from the beginning. After the shock on his face wore off my husband’s face, he took a moment to pause and then put the golf club on top of my head and asked me to practice my swing. That simple redirection was the light bulb moment I needed to really understand what he meant! We continued with our driving, pitching and putting before moving on the actual course itself. Some holes were good and some holes were not so good, but I’ll be happy to share that I only lost one ball - and we had fun working together!

Living Without Secrets

An article from our friends at Focus on the Family Canada (August/September Issue) written by Justin Davis is all about “Living Without Secrets”. He likens our relationships to the many waterlines in icebergs where “every iceberg has a smaller visible part that sits above the waterline and a much larger hidden part that lies underneath. In our lives, the surface part of who we are is visible for all to see, but the deepest, most vulnerable part is hidden.” Lowering the waterline barrier leads to greater intimacy but it also increases our risk of being hurt. Davis continues to say that “the more we reveal, the more intimacy we’ll be able to experience.”

3 Waterlines

The first waterline is your Image Waterline. This is your public image and the part of yourself that you show to others. It’s the public persona you display for those you want to impress, the areas of your life that you try to make respectable and what you allow most people to know about you. It’s the surface level of your life.

The Relationship Waterline is next and is reserved for those you consider to be friends. At this level you expose more of your heart, allowing your friends to know you better than the surface image you’ve cultivated. This is where you reveal your successes and failures, and where the relationship with your husband likely started.

The Marriage Waterline is reserved exclusively for your spouse. In this level you expose the deepest of emotions and most personal parts of yourself.   Davis continues to say that “When you stood at the altar and said “I do”, you probably envisioned revealing the hidden depths of your heart, feeling totally safe and secure being fully known. That is God’s design and vision for marriage, and it was likely your vision as well.”

The final Hidden Waterline is the deepest, most vulnerable part of your heart that you don’t allow anyone to see, not even your spouse. If you allow your spouse to see who you are at the deepest level, the risk of being hurt increases exponentially, so you withhold the truth. Davis explains that “when you hide the truth, you limit your ability to experience intimacy, preventing you from being fully known and loved. Partial truth will never lead to the closeness you long for with God or your spouse.

God “delight[s] in truth in the inward being” (Psalm 51:6) and will honor your honest with Him by revealing more of himself to you.  

A Good Heart To Heart Chat

After my golf lesson with my husband as instructor, we splurged and sat on patio down by the river to rest, recharge and reflect on our day. It was heartwarming because we both were open, honest and truthful about our feelings. The reward for working together as a “team” brought forth the blessings of love.

“The truth will set you free” - John 8:32

The Truth Waterline isn’t as easy as simply telling the truth, however. According to Davis, “true closeness comes with a price, and that price is complete honesty with God, with ourselves and with our spouses...If you want to increase the level of intimacy in your marriage, pursue these three values:”

Value truth-telling more than image-building

Building up your image and looking like you have it all together won’t improve the bond you have with your spouse. The only way to experience more intimacy is to be completely honest with your spouse. It’s OK not to have it all together and have all the answers. It's OK to ask for help. But to be OK, you need to value truth-telling more than image-building.

Value transparency more than accountability

Accountability in relationships is essential, but it’s only as valuable and effective as the transparency you bring to the table, according to Davis. You don’t need to be transparent with everyone, just your spouse if you want to experience a closeness that you can’t achieve otherwise.

Value vulnerability more than the absence of conflict

Being fully known can lead to conflict, but avoiding conflict won’t bring you any closer together. To experience true intimacy, you must travel the path of vulnerability. This, I admit, is my biggest challenge and I've avoided conflict thinking it would provide some peace of mind, but it did the opposite. God wants you to experience a deep personal relationship in your marriage and your relationship with Him. He longs to know you and be known by you.

Conclusion

As I mature in life and in my marriage I’m learning that we must maintain our relationships, just like we maintain our homes and vehicles. Our lives will break down sometimes causing communication gaps that cause short-term pain. However, the important thing to remember is that we shouldn’t sacrifice being fully known to our spouse and to God for fear of being hurt or rejected. The long-term intimacy and love gained by sharing our “whole” selves is well worth it.

Source for Inspiration: Focus on the Family August/September 2024 Issue. Justin Davis is a popular speaker, an author and the co-founder of RefineUs Ministries and the author of Being Real - Being Perfect: How Transparency Leads to Transformation (www.Shop.FocusOnTheFamily.ca)

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